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I have posted small tidbits all over the place so thought I would start a blog so I can keep those who are trying to follow (obviously unsuccessfully judging by the good wishes for my surgery after I had posted it was cancelled, lol). If its in one place then you can just see any updates here.

Still no date for my surgery. Someone threw out the 12th so Im hoping that will be the date it happens. Ive had enough of the pain, but more than that its really quite scarey knowing you have a vein which has blown out and that it could pop at any time. Or another scarey thing is that the blood in the vein becomes turbulant and so it can create clots. Not a good though when Im pregnant and a solo mum to two beautiful kiddies.

As far as the pregnancy is going , well its going... I really dont feel pregnant! I have a belly and I joke that I have just eaten too many mince pies. Im actually really grateful that I dont have any pregnancy side affects any more (I still get the odd nausea but generally Im, doing ok with that now) as I dont know how I could handle more aches/pains/yukiness with all the other stuff going on. Once I have had my surgery I will willingly take any ickiness that gets sent my way, it will be worth every ache and pain to just have this baby safe. I peeed on 3 sticks, had 2 blood tests, have had 3 scans, and last week heard the heartbeat, so Im defiantly pregnant, its just so strange not feeling pregnant. With my other two I was sick from day 1 so this is really just unsettling for me. At least when Im ill I know why. Gosh that probably made no sense! On Thursday I will meet with the high risk team at the hospital so they can get me in their system. It seems they are pretty happy just to let me go for now (with both my others they saw me every 4 weeks from 12 weeks, and every 2 weeks from 28, and three times a week from 32 with Soph) and let my midwife deal with things. That in itself is a wee bit scarey too... but it must mean they are confident in my ability to carry this baby (or they are just waiting to see how my op affects baby like I am). I keep dreaming baby is deaf. Time seems to be going really slow, I just want it to move faster so I will have the answers I so desperatly want...

Ok, so on to the man front... Its really lonely doing all this on my own and sometimes I regret that Im single. My marriage was a nightmare but some days (on the days Im really lonely) I wonder if we couldnt have made it work. And then reality kicks in and I realise that any day Im alone is better than a day, or even an hour of his abuse. But actually it was all a great learning experience. I now know what I defiantly dont want if I ever meet someone else. My friends all tell me I need to get out and "date", D moved out almost a year ago now. I find that really amusing given that I have a rather obvious belly, I wonder who would want to date a pregnant woman. (Actually I was asked out last week by a guy who said he thinks pregnant bellies are sexy! Does that mean I would be dumped when the belly goes, haha?) I just have no desire to date which in my mind is a good thing. The way I see it is that if I have no desire to date then if I find myself saying yes it must mean I think the guy asking is worth it. My friend says she is going to arrange a marriage for me, she has a lady she works with who is due to be married in two weeks, and its an arranged marriage. My friend has learnt a lot about them and she is now very pro them, lol. I think I read once that statistically arranged marriages are the most successful of all marriages, I guess you have no choice but to work at it. Anyways, she keeps hinting that her son is a great man (he is 29, so young!) and how he would love a family (he is infertile and has had a couple of long-ish relationships but both women left in the end when they realised what his infertility meant). Luckily for me he is in Perth right now and wont be back til the end of the year (with a few holidays in between), so I have managed to avoid meeting him so far! I know we will meet, his mum is a REALLY good friend of mine, plus Im friends with her daughter in law, so I wont be able to avoid it forever, lol. I could be happy with a man who cant have kids though, after all I was told I would never have kids and Im now carrying my third.

Gosh that was a LOT of dribble! I better go put dinner on. Everything takes much longer when you are hand-impared, lol.

Thanks everyone for all your good wishes. I REALLY appreciate it.

Hi all....

Well its only been a few weeks since Richard left but in that time Ive turned my life around! I dont know if it was his departure or the death of my nan that prompted it but Ive realised that life is too short to stay indoors.  Suddenly Ive got more energy and Ive been really proactive!

For a long time Ive been so lonely but havent really had the courage or ummph to do anything about it. I started by joining facebook again which I deactivated last year. Ive also joined an english social networking site for parents. I was very brave and posted a message on the ‘meet a mum’ board. I didnt think Id get anything back but Im overwhelmed by the response I got. ...so many mums who felt the same way I did. Last week I was out meeting new people on 3 days and this week Im fully booked....lol! Ive also got my name down for swimming classes with Mimi and on Thursday Im being super brave by going to a toddler group. They are my pet hate as I always thought they were so clicky but Im going with some of the people Ive met. Its much easier when you know someone.

Basically I decided I needed to get a life! The weird thing is that I dont miss Richard at all. It just feels like a relief that hes gone. He was so awful during the break up and wouldnt even leave me in peace to come to terms with my nans death...he just demanded that I pack all his stuff. The problems I had with his ex have also gone...I saw her the other day but I turned around and walked away. Shes very petty and is probably loving the fact weve split but ‘I DONT CARE’!! All thats in the past now and Im moving on.

As for men...well ive made the decision not to actively persue meeting any. Im happy on my own and dont need the complication. Also I have to put my kids first as all this has hurt them (esp. Josh) a lot. If someone does come along then I wont make the mistake of jumping i so quick.

So there you go...it just goes to show that from rubbish can come something new and much better...lol

My partner has just walked out about 30  mins ago....Im devastated!.  I really thought we had a shot and I didnt think would ever happen. I feel its my fault as Ive been very down recently....weve had problems with his ex...she basically used me as an excuse to play games. Ive also had issues with my sons dad doing the same and I found out last friday that my nan has days to live. Because of all this Ive been depressed and I cant function properly....I try but its hard. Ive told him in the last couple of weeks how Im feeling  but it just hasnt sunken in. Last weekend he had his kids for a stay which is great but as I found out the same day about my nan I really wanted him to be there for me...he wasnt....instead deciding to stayed away and forgot about me as he admitted tonight. I cant live like this as I a wanted him to at least acknowledge me...instead he just ignored and didnt even see if I was ok. Big argument errupted and Im now crying and alone....no one to turn to as its 12.08 in the night here. Its so crap, why has this happened when I was trying so hard. I hate him so much now....especially as Im left with nothing...no money to pay bill and rent etc....I dont work and it will take weeks for the benefits from the government to kick in. Im so scared and wish Id never moved in with him.

Hi, my 8yr old boy has been diagnosed with adhd. The school got the ball rolling saying he fidgits and plays up in class. We had two visits to Whiriniki here in Auckland and they went to his school in 2008. My problem is I don't believe he is ADHD, HE DOES HAVE A PROBLEM DEALING WITH HIS ANGER, (and doesn't know how to handle it). The school started this in 2006, when my boy was 6yrs, his teacher then was in her first year of teaching straight out of training college. I told them that he was too young to take the retinol, and that I didn't have a problem with him at home, bar the angry outburst, (which doesn't help that his two older sisters pick on him and that dad got made redundant late that year - so he is constantly home and I am unable to get any quality mummy time.) The next year, Year 3 he had a lovely teacher who had just come over from England, she seemed to handle him quite nicely until the 4th term and then I think from under pressure from the "Team" of teachers who had previously requested treatment got onto Whiriniki again, we put him on retinol once in the morning and his teacher seemed to be able to handle him. (but I was still not happy he was on them!). Well in Year 4, I did not give him any retinol in the 1st term, I kept asking the teacher if he was ok, and she said he was, until the last week of term I told her he had not been taking the tablets, well in Term 2 the whole situation changed, notices of bad behaviour came home, I asked my son about it and both times he said another child had instigated the situation and he was sticking up for himself,. But the "TEAM" started on him again, and he ended up taking a tablet

Hello again!
Cant believe it is one year later and things are still getting better.  My DH was awarded his permanent residence permit yesterday! YAY!!! I however have been declined a medical waiver on the grounds that I have to be 5 yrs cancer free before I can reapply.  I will be able to apply for a work permit which will help with paying the medical bills that Immigration insists will be due within the next 5 yrs.
Well I am adamant that I will not only survive the next 5 yrs but will be CLEAR of the C.  I am relieved that DH has residence though becoz he is a little older than I and needed to establish himself before 55.  I still have 9 years before I get there! So time is on my side.
In the last year my strength has begun to improve.  this morning I have hung 3 loads of laundry including towels, sheets and blankets and can still talk without crying in pain! My right arm still gets swollen and on some days I still have to take a lie down as the fatigue makes me hit a wall.  I am doing much better now! I don't have to ring for help to do the wash!!! LOL I can still see the funny looks on friends faces when asked to hang my sheets  and towels!
Well ! that is the story so far.  We are Kiwi's as long as we are together and nothing happens to DH.  We will continue to live one day at a time and love our country of choice.  I still love this country even though they consider my disease to be of higher worth than I am. 

Hi all,
As you may or may not know I am mum to Josh whos 11. Hes always been slightly more challenging than most as hes got ADHD and Aspergers but after tears, shouting and battles weve made it through it. However over the past few months things have turned very sour. He finished the last school year (back in July) on a high and was doing better with his behaviour but now hes not bothered or interested in anything but himself. He lies constantly about everything from where hes been to silly things like if hes brushed his teeth. He steels food from the kitchen which drives us nuts. Im not just talking about the odd biscuit....he will take whole packets. Basically he pigs out on everything in the cupboard. And what makes me more cross is that  we can talk to him about it and tell him not to but he still will do it. Last night we told him off eating the biscuits for his packed lunch but yet this morning we found hed taken more and had ate things that belonged to his sister. Also hes not suposed to eat a lot of certain things because they make him more hyper...he knows this but still does it. 
He constantly pushes the boundaries like a few weeks ago he didnt come home from school, we were worried sick but it turned out he had gone to a friends and turned his mobile off. Also, we allowed a friend home to stay over the other day...before hand we set the rules but he just went out of his to break them and then woke the whole house up in the middle of the night fighting with the friend. There are so many things that I cant even begin to list them all. But by far the worst is his attitude....he is so disrespectful to me and doesnt care if he upsets me....he swears at me and gives me the look of 'whatever' (Catherine Tates Lauren style)...but I really dont find it in the slightest amusing. He basically just doesnt care anymore and its leaving me frustrated and bewildered as to what to do. I dont get any support from doctors and his so called specialist is so bogged down with patients that you wait months for an appointment. The thing that scares me the most is that his dad is a pathelogical liar and a fraudster who is very good at scamming and pulling the wool over people eyes. He does have any contact with him but despite this I can see that Josh is becoming more and more like him. I dont know if that sort of thing is hereditary but if it is I want to curb it now and not allow him to get worse...but then I think I might be over reacting and that I should just treat him as being naughty. No punishments work...and im at the end of my tether with him...not sure what to do next. I just want my little boy back.

Hello there !
Today a very dear friend rang me in a bit of a distressed state.  Her son's house burned to the ground last night.  They have lost absolutely everything in the fire. Fortunately the family were all away at the time at Grannies house for the weekend.  However there is now a homeless family of four facing a very stressful period ahead.  I have begun collecting food and clothing and any other bits and pieces that other folk feel led to donate for them and will arrange to deliver as they require their clothing and foods.  as soon as they find an alternative place of abode I will be collecting furniture, bedding etc too.  If there is anyone that would like to contribute please contact me.
Much love
Mommabear

Yesterday evening my hubby of 28 yrs rolled up to our back door in a HUGE big tractor and carried me off just to spend some time with him!  I was blown away that he had thought of me in the middle of his crazy hectic day and still wants to spend time with me although he is tired and been working so very hard!!!! I have not felt so alive since having had all the surgery and treatment.  Off I went, dropping everything to be with him and we rolled out giggling like newly weds.  I sat with him while he loaded a feed wagon for the 650 cows he feeds twice a day.  Up and down the stairs of the tractor with the sun shining on our skin and the aircon keeping us cool. Then he switched the feedwagon for a mower and off we trundled to top a paddock so that the cows could have sweet grass in the morning.  We laughed and joked and chatted and once again I saw the young man I married smiling and happy.  It has taken him a trip from SA and a huge life change to be this happy again.  I am so pleased that we came.  I love this country for giving us both a second chance.  Bring on residence!  It is officially a year since we applied...... must be soon now hey?  We have decided to have a BLACK and WHITE party when our residency comes through! We are buying our ALL BlACK jerseys and preparing to blow up a gazillion black and white balloons to celebrate!   WATCH THIS SPACE.

This is a really hard one because itll sound like Im being petty or that Im making my bf choose between me or his kids but Im not and they arent the reason Im feeling hurt and quite frankly a bit peed off. Once again his ex is being manipulative. We were supposed to be having the kids on Boxing day so we could have a second christmas with them but thats all changed to suit her jealous nature. We now have them from xmas afternoon, which sounds great (well it is for my bf as he reallt wanted to see them on xmas day) but in the conditions she has set they are not allowed at my house. This means that I have to spend some of the day on my own as there is no room at his mums (which is where they are allowed to go). I know you may be thinking that as long as he sees them thats all that matters but its the manipulation I cant stand. Its all done to keep him away from me and my kids.  She even tried to guilt him into spending the morning with her "for the kids sake". Luckily he said no but straight away she got all upset and started on him. Another thing is I was nice enough to offer to have then on New Years eve as well so she could go out but now thats backfired as shes said he can only have them at his mums once again. So Im now spending xmas and new year on my own. Makes me wonder what the point of have a bf is. I get all the agro and then always end up doing important things on my own. Its spoilt it for me as I thought we might actually get to spend it as an entire family and was hoping (probably stupidly) that it might go without a hitch and be happy for once.

End of rant...had to get that out of my system or I might have burst.

The current topic/debate I have my knickers in a twist over is still the Breast is Best message.  I HATE it.  I'm a breast feeding mum and my girls have never had formula - tried but they rejected and wont take a bottle!  So why? you ask.  Well let me tell you....

Breast is not best if you don't even produce breast milk - yes that happens!

Breast is not best if you have nipples that don't work properly - yes that happens and I am living proof of that!

Breast is not best if you have a drinking problem or drug habit - do you really want an alcoholic/junie mum breast feeding passing the nasty stuff on to bubs? No I think not!

There are plenty of other reasons I could mention.

While I appreciate what the message is trying to do, I honestly believe the wording needs to be better because all this current message does it make mums who can't or don't breast feed feel like a bad mum and that is not the BEST.

I am so sick and tired of today's society making parents feel bad because they don't subscribe to the latest society message for the masses.  Screw what the so called tell us.  DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!  

No expert can tell you that!  Trust your judgement, trust your ability to be a parent, let your natural instinct guide you.
Sure read the books but take all information in them with a grain of salt as they don't know or have never met your baby so there is no way they can tell YOU what is best.